Authenticity

What does it mean to be authentic? I think maybe the most obvious answer is being yourself, but that may also beg the question, “what does it mean to be yourself?” I remember I first started thinking about this in the 8th grade. Maybe not by coincidence, the movie Eighth Grade also involves an 8th grader who is also wrestling with the question of being yourself.

 I went to a high school with a lot of lore, and in our first week we had a “Knighting” ceremony. Basically our school’s mascot was a Knight so at the end of the first week there was a ceremony where we were knighted with a sword tap on each shoulder medieval style. I remember this being pretty exhilarating. As a kid in elementary school, I’d thought about going to high school for a long time. I had four older sisters so it was natural to think about what life would be like when I was their age and I remember imagining myself becoming this cool football player who had green hair, piercings and side burns. Needless to say, the Knighting ceremony got me pretty fired up about what was to come in high school. Side note: I remember Walk this Way by Aerosmith playing in the background during the ceremony and being mesmerized by it. I think this definitely helped kick off my love affair with classic rock as a teenager.

Anyways, coming back to the point of this I remember the knighting ceremony being exhilarating and exciting and I also remember after the ceremony getting some messaging from the grade 12s that really stuck with me. As a grade 8, these grade 12s were like gods, when they spoke you listened. So anyways, we finish the ceremony and it’s time for the grade 12s to give us some wise words and I remember this one guy on student council  saying his number one piece of advice to grade 8s was “just be yourself.” And I was like “cool, how do I do that??”

It’s funny because this actually ended up being a big theme of high school for me. Like I mentioned before, I come from a big family. Not only do I have 4 older sisters, but I also have a brother two years younger and also 3 younger sisters, known within the family as “the little girls” although we’ve mostly retired this label out of respect for them not being children anymore. Anyways, at home I understood myself to be this pretty extroverted, silly, and maybe even life of the party presence (will probably get some heat from the sisters for crowning myself like that). But when I was at school, I felt way more shy and unsure of myself. I really wanted to be the person I was at home when I was at school but it was hard. School didn’t feel safe in the same way home was. Maybe being open in the same way I was at home would be met with ridicule or judgment. I remember noticing this disconnect and really wanting it to be different. I would notice the anxiety I had at school and really try to find a way to get past it and be more comfortable. 

This ended up being something I grappled with for a lot of high school and even beyond. I’ve always liked that sense of feeling open and comfortable with people, so when I don’t feel that way, it can be difficult to accept. In high school I felt like I was always looking for a way to get past that shy feeling and just be “more myself.” I remember as I got older in high school, I think I just became more naturally confident and sure of myself, so the shy feeling wasn’t as much of a thing to overcome and I naturally started to open up. So was it a story of not being myself initially and then finally learning to be more myself? I think yes and no.

When I was younger, being myself seemed to mean being in a place where I felt confident and open, a place where I didn’t really have any fear around how others would perceive me. While I think there is some truth in that, I don’t think it’s the full story. I kind of saw it like if I was feeling anxious, shy, or more reserved I wasn’t really being myself and in a way I was kind of failing. I saw those feelings as bad and really just wanted them to go away. 

Fast forward to now, I see things a bit differently. I think in some ways, being open and free of fear can be more authentic, because maybe that can be more true. Maybe sometimes we are afraid of something we don’t really need to be afraid of. So if we can see that, we can kind of liberate ourselves and maybe that’s a more true expression of who we are. But on the other hand, maybe the anxiety is also a part of who we truly are.

As I’ve grown and learned about the psyche as a counsellor and as someone who’s on their own journey, I’ve come to believe more that fear isn’t necessarily the enemy. It’s something that’s easy to antagonize and it can feel like it sort of blocks us, which it does sometimes, but also maybe it’s something we can’t really live without. Afterall, if I didn’t have any fear would I look both ways before I cross the street? Would I hesitate to put my hand on a hot stove element? In life there are some real dangers, and fear/anxiety are the ways we can be aware of those dangers and take proper steps to avoid being harmed.

Looking back at how I felt when I was younger, I think the anxiety I felt was maybe partially based on real dangers and partially based on muddied perceptions. I think in high school, I was surrounded by a mix of people. I think there were some good people and I think there were some people where maybe having a bit of a wall up wasn’t a misplaced instinct. I think I tried so hard to fight against my defenses that they could never naturally settle, because I was getting in the way of myself. Maybe by trusting my instincts that I should be more careful with some people, I could have slowly gained trust instead of trying to force it.

On the other hand, I can also see how some fears were maybe based in less developed understanding and perspective. Maybe I worried too much about being accepted and fitting in. A natural thing for a teenager to care about, but maybe it could have been helpful to realize then that people’s opinions of you aren’t always accurate and it’s better to not put so much stock into what everyone else thinks of you. 

I guess what I’m saying is that it’s a balance. I think on one hand you need to trust your instincts, including your fear and anxiety, and on the other hand you need to examine those instincts and intuitions, and evaluate if they’re accurate and wise or if they are somewhat distorted. I think being yourself is being open to your feelings and accepting them, and at the same time allowing your more high level mind to examine and contemplate things. It’s letting mind and body come together rather than just letting one rule over the other. When we do this we become more whole and we experience more integrity, and I think this is what living well and being yourself is all about.